I wanted it that way

Her cap went into the air and fell to the ground, graduation was over and we all hit the town.

We were all together, one big happy family- not one face had a frown. I couldn't stop thinking about how it was just like old times before the move. It was so easy to blame it all on the move.

We all laughed, we cried, we ate, we shopped, and celebrated our biggest little until the day came to an end. My final excuse, I could no longer pretend.

The last of the last tied of the loose ends.

Her graduation was over, his school semester completed, my attorney notified, the house packed, and the car was loaded; This was it. This was the end.

I knew it was a new beginning but I just couldn't get past it was the end.

We were laying in bed that night for the last time in the town we had both grown up in. He was filled with excitement and hopeful for new life to begin. I was laying there waiting for a new excuse to begin again. I was done, I finally felt like I had been released. This chapter was soon to be complete.

He said “Once we both get home, let’s get in the car and drive down the East Coast. We will follow A1A and stop at as many places as you need to stop along the way; It will only be a three hour drive down the coast to get to St. Augustine. (He said once we both get home because we had been living separate eight hours away.) The next words that rolled off his lips were,  

"I know you can’t ride in a car that long, I know you hurt. Stopping for you is ok. You are not a burden."

I laid there silent fighting back the tears, I was trying to look strong. I was anything but strong but I was trying to look that way. There was a time, I had been strong for so long but I was worn down, weary, and weak. I laid there, he said it again. My silence was deafening; I heard it come out of his mouth for the second time and began sobbing. I was past the point of silent tears. With every tear and every sigh, I felt a different kind of release.

Strangely-I felt healing coming. He had never spoken the words I had been feeling, no one knew that I had felt like a burden for so long after the fall. Those words coming off his lips stung, he knew how I felt without me even breathing the word. He picked right back up after the silence saying "We’ll pick a few places to stay for a few nights and then journey back home.”

Home- he said it again, home.... That word seemed to be on repeat like on an old record player. Every time he said home I cringed. He wasn't talking about our home, the home our children grew up in. The home where it all begin. He wasn't talking about the town where all of our lives had been liven in.

No, he was talking about the home that he bought in another state. The home he had been living in for a year that I hatefully referenced as "his' house. Not ours, not our house, not our home, his house.

I wanted it that way.

I wavered back and forth between wanting to go and wanting to stay. I was so tired of the hurt and disappointment and I was too tired to pray. I was tired of the pain and I was numb to the thought that this time we were going to be okay.

My response, “let’s go”

I finally blurted it out so fast it was like the words shot out of my mouth like a cannon.

I knew if I was being honest with myself and true to the God I serve, I would take this trip as an opportunity to expose the pain, uncover the hurt, peel back the layers over my heart, and allow healing. 

I was surprised that I answered so quickly.

I was strangely excited and hopeful for the mini getaway. 

Let’s go seems like a no brainer response;

The most reasonable response to going on a spontaneous getaway with the love of your life.

The most reasonable response if you are going with someone you want to be trapped in a car with on a beautiful drive. 

But see, we weren’t in a good place to be alone with just one another.

We weren’t in a place to have any real resemblance of good conversation or to let go and just have fun together.

Not together, just the two of us.

We weren’t in a good place at all, we didn’t talk much and if we did it wasn’t nice and we were never alone. 

We were Never alone; not because of anyone else.... because I wanted it that way.

It was easier to hide behind my children and my grandchildren than to face the place we were in and I was tired.

Notice I said “my” I had staked claim to what was ours and hid behind them to make a wedge.

I wanted it that way.

He was raised to stay.

I was prepared of the outcome, either way. 

My mind was made up. I was tired of being stuck and I was afraid not to stay.

I was stuck and I slowly began resenting my husband more and more every day.

Slowly....

Marriages can slowly crumble and be torn apart; ripped thread by thread until 

someone is willing to be vulnerable and both are willing to heal. 

No matter how much time is invested, marriages can just spiral into a complete tail spin.

This time it was ours.

It could have been theirs. 

It could very easily be yours.

What you perceive to be true becomes the state of reality in which you live. You get to choose your view.

The end doesn’t always come from abuse.

There was no abuse, not physical anyway.

It doesnt always come down to lying, not blatantly anyway.

It's not always cheating, although anything that takes first place above God or your spouse could be predicated that way.

It's not always solely just heir fault, there's wounds that don't heal that can bring life as you know it to a screeching halt.

Sometimes it’s deceit in the smallest of ways that has trickled like a leaking faucet until there is finally a flood and the love seems to get washed away.

The tearing away happened sublty and slowly over time.

It didn't come down to the final straw. The final straw wasn't even the straw after all; it was the building up of the moments that caused the false perception to become reality.

It was the communication that became non existent that was followed up by no longer feeling appreciated. It was the perception of being neglected, rejected, abandoned and left all alone. It was no longer feeling needed or wanted and not really loved; it all felt like such a chore. The House that love built was crumbling, the floor was shaky, the stage was no longer set and the best actress in the play couldn't stay in the play anymore.

There were cracks in the foundation.

The enemy crept in.

We needed saving; 

Individually as the souls joined in the covenant we made.

Our marriage didn’t need saving, it was the two in the bond of matrimony that made up the covenant that needed to find their way.There isn’t a magical anecdote; I would be lying if I said it were easy. In every sense of the word it takes work and It takes work on both our behalf’s.

It’s not one person fixing the other,

Its not trying to be a savior,

It’s not parenting, 

It’s not policing, 

It’s not promising, 

And continuing the …...

It’s self examination and allowing the Holy Spirit of God to intervene. It's a King David moment, A Psalm from the heart crying out and saying Search me O God and know. It’s a create within me a clean heart and renew a rite spirit within me; to worship you with clean hands and a pure heart prayer.

It’s about God being the foundation, the center of our lives individually, of our home, and our marriage.

It's about guarding our hearts and abiding in HIS presence until the outside noise is consumed.

It's about life flowing from the solid rock on which we stand. It's about taking on this life and still walking hand in hand.

We couldn’t do it on our own.

We tried.

It couldn’t just be one of us trying, It took both of us. We had been here before; in a place where one of was playing house and faking happy - it led us to this place. Where We were fooled into believing that not being happy was grounds to walk away.

I was at the point, I wanted. it that way.

Happy isn't what a marriage is all about; its not what makes a marriage last or fall apart. Happy is a verb, an action that takes laboring in love.

LOVE-Marriage is about love, which is also an action that requires working and plowing together with equal yoke. Love is more than just saying a word;Love is the WORD. We love because HE first loved us. Love is fundamental of our faith - we lost our faith in our love, not our marriage.

We place our own definition on what love is but we have the meaning clearly defined if we read in 1 Corinthians 13:4-8

Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered,it keeps no record of wrongs.Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.

Love never fails-

we do. We fail ourselves and then we fail one another trying to keep up the facade so the curtain won't be pulled. No one can know.

Everyone has a perception that the couple next door has it all together so they hide behind what needs to be exposed. Friend, marriage is messy. Real life is messy. We most definitely had hid that we didn't have it all together... we were barely hanging on by a thread. We had lost together. We suffered loss of family, loss of finances, loss of our lives that we had once known, loss of who we were -we had grieved and we had mourned together.

But.......

We have also won together. We created life, grown a family, built houses, built businesses, gracefully endured transitions, and experienced more joy that our hearts could contain...Together.

WE had a choice to make.

We decided...

We made the choice that we were worth it.

We have been married for almost 24 years and I would dare to say, we have been through more than most. We were in a place where we were done.

We decided to give it one more try.

Not just me

Not just him.

We were willing to try again.

Our marriage is worth it

Our kids are worth it

Our grand babies are worth it

But

The most important thing is... our marriage is worth it

We are worth it

Some marriages may not be restored, I am fully aware.

But this one... 

God restored

And

What I can promise you is.....if God can restore our marriage 

He can restore yours.

Believe me… 

So, this is a Rare sighting of the parentals alone on a much need mini vacation.

This is the one where we try again

And

I wanted it that way.

Xo,

B~The Girl In The Blue House